Starvin' Artist

I've become very reflective, the older that I get.  I try to learn from my experiences, and increase my personal growth.

So....I've been back in NYC for a little over a year, and it hasn't been very positive.  The whole reason for my return, was to work on my writing career full time, and take advantage of being back in my hometown.  Especially at that time, I had just recently dropped my third published book, and felt that I had gained enough a of a reputation, specifically through my activism in various fields, to be able to make some sort of a comfortable living back in my hometown.

Fat chance......

Looking back over the past year, it feels like I've been wasting my time here.  Never mind the gentrification of the city, and the transplants that have basically taken over many of our communities...the city has definitely changed.  It is NOT the Brooklyn, nor the New York, that I know/knew and loved.  Of course, if I loved it so much, I never would have left in the first place.  Now, going through this struggle....I remember why the fuck I left this city in the first place.

You're not supported out here....not unless you're backed by some big hype machine.  If the mainstream ain't singing your praises...people ain't fucking with you out here.

...And I though NYC was the capital of the trendsetters.

That's a bygone era.  We are no longer innovators and trendsetters.  We have now become sheeple.

Considering that I've published FIVE books within the last five years, I should be living comfortably, financially speaking.  Cat's who I thought were my friends and supporters, proved themselves not to be. I've organized and held my own book signing events...cats never showed up.  I've done appearances at other festivals around the city....cats never showed up.  I've posted links to my books on social media, and tagged these muffkas in it, if not posted it on their damned profile page...cats just press the fucking 'like' button, and keep it moving.  WTFFM?!?!?!  [What The Flying Fuck, Man]

I've done what I can to promote the books to my circle of people; text message, emails/e-blasts, posting on social media, blogging....and nothing!!!  I've even approached underground media outlets out here, like cable access TV show hosts, and still nada.  I should NOT be struggling this hard, especially not in my own hometown.  Even when I've done festivals, people out here be acting mad funny, like they're either scared to approach my table, or like I'm a threat cause I wrote a book (or, several).  Niggaz wanna sit there and debate you, when they see my nonfiction books, trying to prove how smart they think they are.

Nigga....you read a book, while I actually wrote one!  If you were so much better than me, you'd be on my side of the table.

I'm getting really sick of being out here, and am seriously considering moving on again.  I kinda hate having to start over again, but this struggling shit is for the birds.  I have goals that I'm trying to reach, and don't have time for the bullshit.  It should not be this much of a struggle for me, especially with all that I've done to support others through my activism and support.

I kinda needed to get this off my chest.  I'm going to try to give it until the end of the year, but don't blame me if I'm gone by the fall.  It's too expensive out there for this bullshit, nor is it worth it.  Especially considering the versatility of my written works, I should at least be comfortable, and making some sort of headway.

If this sounded like a bit of a rant session...then fuck it, it was.  I just needed to get this off of my chest.  I've lost a lot this past year, and I can't get that time back.  I'm not where I want to be, and don't need to waste any more time trying to get to where I want to be.  If I have to do that elsewhere, then so be it.